day30- badly missing...

Today is my last day on this “isolation” room. I should be packing right now but I can’t seem to drag myself into doing so.

Does this mean, I don’t want to leave?

Probably because this is the first time I ever enjoyed solitude- my little piece of haven. Looking back, I was so hesitant with the idea of living in isolation for 30days, I mean I have never lived alone all my life. I grew up sharing a room with my brothers or my mom and even up to now, I’m still living with them. So I was so perturbed with the idea of having to live all by myself.

But 30days after, here I am sitting on my bed, capturing mental images of this room where I have made myself a home. I’ll be missing a lot: I’m gonna miss these yellow walls that witnessed my latest episodes, I’m gonna miss my quiet but nosy neighbors, I’ll also miss our polite but unfriendly lady guard (who opens the gate at 3am even though its 3hours past our curfew), I’ll miss the chill that embraces me each time I enter my room (yes, for short the AC..hehe), and lastly I’ll miss having all the time to myself with nothing to do but to think, re-think and think again.

But there are also things that I won’t be missing like my landlady’s kid that throws a tantrum every f*ckin 6 in the morning, my neighbor’s pet which is a caramel-colored lizard that eats earthworms (how weird is that?!) and my supply of instant food (noodles, oatmeal and cereals).

Though I like being here, I also can’t wait to go home: to sleep in my own bed, to watch TV, have my mom’s home-cooked meals and to be with Zoe- my precious little piece of heaven…^_^. So even though I will definitely miss being alone and be isolated from the harsh reality of life, one fact surpasses it all- I just can’t wait to see with my daughter. There’s no contest to that. I guess being a mom eliminates most if not all of my me-time but it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it sooner or later. And no matter how cruel the world may be, having a child makes it more bearable.

So now I’ll begin packing…

im ready...?

Where am I? How did I get here?
-The last thing I remembered I was sitting on my bedroom floor with piles of clothing, carefully choosing which ones to bring with me to Cebu. It was just days after graduation and I was so excited to move in with my college friends and be free at last. Yay!^_^
Free from schoolwork: the sleepless nights of endless cramming to meet the deadlines, the bottomless pit of reading materials and paperwork, and the 7AM classes of minor subjects (like P.E. and Pol. Sci.). Then free from home: the house chores (as if I had any…), the making up of excuses for missing my curfew, the ambush interrogation about the guy I’m dating, and lastly the constant nagging of my mother about how mediocre I am.

I have never been more excited, for the first time in my life I’m going to taste independence, living on my own rules. I already have it all planned out: earn my own money, meet interesting people, upgrade my closet, try different cuisines, break some rules, break a few hearts and even save up for a wanderlust adventure on my own. That was all I hoped for when I came here and I was on my way to have all that, but after few wrong turns and unfortunate encounters, I got lost.

3years and 6 months after, I find myself asking where I am in my life right now? I’m 23, currently unemployed, have a 1month old daughter, in a grave-deep debt for all the medical bills and, verging on a nervous breakdown. But I have never felt more alive. I woke up today feeling like my old self again and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. The happenings of the last 3years seem blurry (maybe because I was drunk most of the time). But instead of feeling regret for the lost time, I feel excited. The same excitement I felt while packing my things 3years ago but with a tiny bit of difference. Because now, I think I’m ready to face the sordid reality called life. I’m sure I’d still be making some wrong turns in the future but at least now I’m ready for it. So here I am, a 23-year old, broke single mom ready to face life.